I think I've really been taking steps forward in putting things behind me. It's been a lot healthier - I can smile and laugh a lot easier. I'm more like myself.

Hello, self. Welcome back.

I still have so much work left to do on my film. I'm slowly chugging away at it. This is a gigantic project. I believe in myself, though.

Damn, things have been so terrible. My emotions have been so up and down and I'm trying to find ways to salvage my mental health. Everyone knows that Marlena is not here right now. Everyone keeps asking for her back, asking me what's wrong. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be myself. I wish so badly that I could. If I could just smile endlessly like I normally do, that would just be amazing. That is what I really need right now.

Lately I've been quiet and especially reserved. I haven't been telling a lot of people what is bothering me. I went to Bakersfield, CA this weekend to work on set. The position was offered to me about 4 hours before leaving. I wanted to get out of LA and do something else. I also wanted to get back on set and be with people that support me. So I decided to go to Bakersfield. It was a great decision; I got so much support. It's really at these points in my life that I realize all the people that are there to help me out. People really care about me. I've been so appreciative of this.

I want to just forget everything and pretend it never happened. When I came back from Bakersfield, I really thought that this was possible. I felt like my inspiration and passion had been renewed. But after talking last night, I realized that I'm still not all there. I am still so hurt and nowhere near back to myself.

I know I need to keep my chin up and just plow through this. But when I think of how happy I was back in November, it's amazing to think of how much this has brought me down. I guess it will take me a while to just put it behind me like that.

It's sad, I wish I could just put it behind me so quickly. I know I wasn't intentionally hurt. I feel like I know people too well to even think like that. But that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Things happen for a reason. So because of this, I need to just keep plowing through and figure out how to fix the problems by myself. I have so many supportive people routing for me. People want to see me happy and successful. It's amazing to have this support. I can't let these people down and I certainly can't let myself down. This needs to be one of the best pieces of art that I have made up until this point.

I need to get my head in the right place. I feel like everything has been so all over the place. My head is just churning and I find myself having full blown conversations in my head. I stopped to think about it earlier and realized how insane that made me feel.

Things are just so insane right now. 2010 has been a disaster so far. And along with that, I feel like I have unintentionally been being very sarcastic and frank with people for the past few days. It's rude and immature. The sad part is that I'm fully aware of what I am doing, but I don't seem to be aware of it until after I've said these uncharacteristic things. I've been swearing and making rude comments so frequently - who do I think I am to do that? There's not really a specific thing that I've done or said to anyone, but I wish I could go back and not have been so demeaning of people.

I wrote "calm down" on my hand today. I'm not sure how much it helped. Perhaps tomorrow I should write "smile" or "be happy".


* * *


On another note, I don't know how much longer I can stand going to classes that begin with the first lecture on f-stops and shutter speeds.

Wow, producing my movie has been eating me up! But it has kept me very busy and I am so thankful for that.


* * *


When is it a good idea to tell someone something that is on your mind or bothering you? There are always things you shouldn't tell someone. There are things that you think you shouldn't say, but are better off saying them. So when do you know if you should say something?

It is a great feeling to lift weight off of your shoulders. It makes you feel so relieved. I think I'd like to experience that. But what if the weight becomes heavier? It is a risk you take, I suppose. Is it worth it?

We shall see.

Sometimes I feel as though I am living in a fantasy bubble. Aren't we all, at times?

I was driving towards a destination, but not necessarily wanting to get there. At the same time, not necessarily wanting to go anywhere, but just to be. I just wanted to drive in silence through the black open air.

Human relationships are quite amazing. It seems as though we allow someone else to control our emotions. We rely on others to make us happy and bring us excitement. When someone else is not performing to their best, then we are saddened. It is their fault that we are not happy and excited.

Why do we allow others to control and manipulate our emotions so much? We are clever enough to not allow this, yet we play ourselves vulnerable in the hands of a person we think we trust. But how do you know you can really trust that person? Not to say that you shouldn't trust anyone, but what is it, exactly, that allows us to trust someone? Surely not everyone has undergone a procedure where they have had to save our lives to prove their trustworthiness.

It is amazing how dependent we are on others. Our emotions and mood depends on the atmosphere of a room. Our anxiousness to do something depends on the anxiousness of others. We are so easily affected by others.

Humans are naive and vulnerable. Yet life is so beautiful and precious.

I know I am stating the obvious, but sometimes it just dawns on me.

Yesterday was transit day for me. I spent most of the day on the airplane or with my family, rounding up the last bit of things to be done before the epic flight back to LA.

As I drove through the gates of LMU, I found myself with tears in my eyes. This place has brought me so much joy and happiness over the past year and a half. It is so difficult to imagine how I lived without all of the people I have met or the things I have experienced since being here.

Even through everything that has happened, I would never give it up.


* * *


I spent most of the day being extremely productive. I cleaned and organized the majority of my belongings amongst my room. Then I met with my producers and solidified a schedule for my film in addition to a to-do list.

But, ah! There is so much to be done!


* * *


I haven't been on facebook in two days. I think that's a record, haha!

I adopted two kitties from the shelter today! :) Yay for doing good things :)

Oh, and I got my prints as well :)

I saw something that really made me go "hmm". I am just completely unsure of why that happened. I still feel a sense of loss. Why is that? Or rather, I know why, but maybe I am just completely unsure of the details.

Hundreds and thousands of questions are always littering my head.


* * *


Tomorrow is my last day in Virginia. Then I'm back to LA. It's kind of relieving in certain ways. LA is home and I feel as though I really need the support of my friends right now. I am sad to leave my mom, but I definitely need the interaction and hang-out times with my closest friends.


* * *


I rolled out on my first roll of film off of my F100 today. I went to take it to get developed, but they ran out of paper halfway through developing, so they're going to develop it for free. That was a nice touch to the day.

I was looking outside the window of a car while being driven at around 60mph. The cars on the other side of the highway were at a standstill because of traffic. It was nighttime. It looked as though I was fast forwarding through time.


* * *


I really miss you.

I did something really stupid.

I bought the wrong lens for my camera and didn't realize it it until just now. What an idiot. But the lens works with my other camera, so I suppose I just bought a lens for that camera without realizing it.

Sigh.

And I think I just flashed the first frame of my film, too.

Man, I'm on a roll tonight.

I've developed habits that I know are terrible, yet I can't seem to stop myself from doing them. If only I could train myself in a certain way to cease these actions.

I rolled around in bed last night for a long time before falling asleep. It's difficult to just rid your mind of certain thoughts. I constantly think of things that could happen or things that should happen, in my mind of course.

Why does this constantly happen when I try to sleep? I can't sleep because I am tossing and turning as my thoughts mull over these concepts. During the day I seem to be able to get a grip of myself. But why is it that when I sleep I just completely lose it?

I think I have insomnia.

Today has been such a low-key day. I've spent a lot of the day just sitting and thinking. Sometimes reminiscing.

Life is strange with it's quirky twists and turns. It's sad how things end up sometimes. There is usually never a happy ending. Maybe this is why we strive so much for happy endings in films. Because we cannot get them in real life.

I was reminded most of a time when my grandmother visited. She had been sent, completely innocent at that, to reprimand my sister and I. When she came, she was faced with a sad reality of how wrong her mindset had been. She was conned into reprimanding us, essentially having no idea what she was talking about in the first place. She was innocent and had been dragged into the mud by a threatening bully. We were being laughed at by the controllers above. "Did Grandma come by today?" he asked as he opened the door. "Yes, but she left." He was shocked. And in many ways, so were we. I had asked her to leave many times, but she only then realized why. She was in the wrong place.

We speak today as if none of this ever took place. It was a nightmare that occurred in a fantasy world.

It is these terrifying memories that my brain seems to protect me from remembering. For if I recalled that specific memory on a daily basis, I cannot fathom how twisted and skewered by brain would be.

* * *

Faint snowflakes are falling as the sun lowers down the horizon.

I just want to spend the entire day watching movies.

Kinda wish I had, haha.

It's a new year and a new decade. Welcome, 2010.

Ginny passed away on December 30, 2009. As did Evelyn Brown. They will both be missed. I was never close with Evelyn, but I know she meant a lot to my dad and his family. Ginny, on the other hand, was a terrible loss for my entire family. She will be loved and remembered forever.

New year's resolutions? Not really sure I have any (that's a first!). I think I just want to have a great year. Whatever comes or happens will happen. Things happen for a reason, right? So I will just live one day at a time and see what happens :)

For now, I am really looking forward to getting back to LA next weekend. LA is my home. I'm a bit hopeless and bored without it.